Husband and Wife Jokes
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.
Wife, "Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?"
Husband, "Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!"
God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I would like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"
Bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place "the prison" and call my private thing "the prisoner". Therefore, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
Then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, ok!
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he would put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
Two friends, who had not seen each other in several years, met on the avenue.
"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.
"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."
Wife, Honey ... What are you looking for?
Husband, Nothing.
Wife, Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...?
Husband, I was just looking for the expiry date.
Husband says, "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied, "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
First guy (proudly), "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."