Saturday, January 7, 2012

The Worst First Date Ever

If you didn't see this on the Tonight Show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this has no equal. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most awkward first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date happening. There was absolutely no question as to why her story took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and rather cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but comparatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she bit by bit began to understand that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her friend suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her bottom rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her bottom from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her bottom off' and in need of some help! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they at last managed to compose themselves, they appraised the situation.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the trouble in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and urinated her bottom off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Take it!

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Friday, April 29, 2011

Everybody Dies In The End

New research has discovered that people who undertake fitness routines and strict diets are at least as likely to die as persons who smoke, are obese, or both. The research team had concluded that it doesn't matter what you do, you are going to die.

False claims that poor people who are fat and who smoke are more likely to die than wealthy people who are generally slimmer and who eat properly is just a healthy lifestyle propaganda. It was concluded that every person who were born 150 years ago or earlier, no matter wealthy or poor they were, without exception had died. They are now dead and it is not a reflection on their lifestyle.

In spite of all the advances in technology and medical care, we are still unable to prohibit wealthy people from becoming deceased at one point or another in their lives. This research has cast doubt on popular claims that modern world is experiencing an obesity crisis, and already smoking seems to be on the increase as people take a more relaxed approach to life, or death. One of ex-smokers even say: "I gave up smoking 15 years ago and now it turns out that I'm going to die anyway. It's all bullshit."

Friday, February 11, 2011

Hell's Hole

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.

Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was disappointed in this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Witty Replies

Did you hear the story about the giraffe?
Forget it its too long.

What animal has 2 legs 2 eyes 2wind can't fly has a peek ?
It's a died bird

What do you call a man who lives in an envelope?

Waiter how long will the chips be?
About five centimeters each, I expect sir.

Wanna know why divorces are so expensive?
Because they're worth it.

What did the cow say to the other cow?
Nothing because they cant talk.

What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
He is all right now.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids leave home.

Whats long, hard, and full of seman?
A submarine.

What's the difference between a good joke and this?