Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Pet Alligator

Pet AlligatorA guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished clients. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's jaws and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his jaws for one minute. He will then open his jaws and I will remove my unit unhurt. In return for watching this show, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unhurt as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Grandma Short Funny Stories

Grandma Short Funny StoriesGrandma Is Better
Little Johnny says to his mother "Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to take you?"
Little Johnny says, "No, let grandma... her hand shakes!"

Care for Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma could not talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, "You're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart".

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

I can't read
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandma's word processor. She told Grandma she was writing a story. "What's it about?" Grandma asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

Writing to Grandma
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother, I am sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,

I did not know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. However, it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Who was that?
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more wild, her patience grew thin. At last, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"