Funny Stories about Car Drivers and Driving

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and very fast.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said,
- What will you take: 30 days or $30?
The man thought and replied,
- I think I'll take the money.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
- "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.
- Well, replies the woman, "I have contacts."
- Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.

- What do you do if you see a spaceman?
- Park your car in it man.

Magistrate,
- But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?
Motorist,
- I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.

Motorist,
- But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.
Policeman,
- Well, now you've got something else to tell him.

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
- "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
- "Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
- "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
- "No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
- "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."

A blonde is driving down the freeway in her car when her boyfriend calls on the cell phone. When she picks up the phone he says,
- Hi honey, it's me, I just wanted to call and tell you to be careful, it says on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.
She says,
- There's not one, there's hundreds of them!

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said,
- I did that by accident.
She replied,
- I know that, daddy.
He replied,
- How'd you know?
The girl said,
- Because you didn't say 'A$$HOLE!' afterwards!