The Worst First Date Ever

If you didn't see this on the Tonight Show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates but this has no equal. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most awkward first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date happening. There was absolutely no question as to why her story took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and rather cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but comparatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she bit by bit began to understand that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her friend suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her bottom rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her bottom from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her bottom off' and in need of some help! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they at last managed to compose themselves, they appraised the situation.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the trouble in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and urinated her bottom off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Take it!

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Everybody Dies In The End

New research has discovered that people who undertake fitness routines and strict diets are at least as likely to die as persons who smoke, are obese, or both. The research team had concluded that it doesn't matter what you do, you are going to die.

False claims that poor people who are fat and who smoke are more likely to die than wealthy people who are generally slimmer and who eat properly is just a healthy lifestyle propaganda. It was concluded that every person who were born 150 years ago or earlier, no matter wealthy or poor they were, without exception had died. They are now dead and it is not a reflection on their lifestyle.

In spite of all the advances in technology and medical care, we are still unable to prohibit wealthy people from becoming deceased at one point or another in their lives. This research has cast doubt on popular claims that modern world is experiencing an obesity crisis, and already smoking seems to be on the increase as people take a more relaxed approach to life, or death. One of ex-smokers even say: "I gave up smoking 15 years ago and now it turns out that I'm going to die anyway. It's all bullshit."

Hell's Hole

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.

Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was disappointed in this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."

Witty Replies

Did you hear the story about the giraffe?
Forget it its too long.

What animal has 2 legs 2 eyes 2wind can't fly has a peek ?
It's a died bird

What do you call a man who lives in an envelope?
Bill.

Waiter how long will the chips be?
About five centimeters each, I expect sir.

Wanna know why divorces are so expensive?
Because they're worth it.

What did the cow say to the other cow?
Nothing because they cant talk.

What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
He is all right now.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids leave home.

Whats long, hard, and full of seman?
A submarine.

What's the difference between a good joke and this?
Everything.

Old Man Sample

An 80 year old man was requested by his physician for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 80 year old man come back and gave doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as yesterday.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man stated "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The physician was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Age Difference

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a gorgeous much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girl. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $7,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $35,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body twinkled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller furiously phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my great weekend!'

Perfect Desert Camping

Four guys spend weeks planning the ideal desert camping and riding trip. Three days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and informs him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Three days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and meal cooking on the fire.

"God damn man, how long you been here and how did you get round your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I removed her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our sleeping room. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she tell me, that "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Only an Earring

A guy is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This guy knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The guy walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."

"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies modestly.

So, the guy falls silent for a moment, but then his curiosity urge him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Damn Short Jokes

One cow says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other cow says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

Be strong honey

A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife answers: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Surgeon Jokes

I'm sick of specialists. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, any place you've got a hole, there's a guy who dedicate yourself to this hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, gynecologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

Surgeon goes to hell. Devil says, "You have a choice between these 2 doors, I'll let you have a look in each to see where you want to spend the rest of eternity."
Surgeon opens the first door: room with twenty patients all complaining at the same time! "Whoa, no way! Not this one."
Surgeon opens second door: Medical records, endless hallway of papers to sign." No way! "
Surgeon notices a third door and opens it: A Surgeon's lounge. Big screen, full of beers. Recliners, with a nurse giving each Surgeon oral sex! "This is the door I chose for eternity" states the surgeon.
"Nope, one of the first 2 doors." says the devil.
"No! Why?"
"Cause the 3rd door is NURSE"S HELL!!!"

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God doesn't think he's surgeon.

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his coworkers asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered". "I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered". The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded". The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

I got the bill for my surgery.
Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

Funny Story of a Lost Elder

When I have lunch today, I saw an old gentleman sitting on a park bench cry his heart out. I stopped and asked him what was the problem.

He said, 'I have a 22 year old spouse at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I inquired, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my preferred biscuits, washes the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'

I supposed, 'Well, why are you crying?'

He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'

I asked, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'

He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful companion awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and inform me what you see." Watson responded, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of worlds. Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I assume that the time is around a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I think that we will have a fine day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a while, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

A Mixture of Funny Short Stories

Johnny and his Dad
An old man lived alone in Milford. He intended to dig his potato garden, but it was very difficult work. His only son, Johnny, who used to help him, was in jail. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his difficulty.

Dear Johnny, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden area. If you were here, all my problems would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, 'For Heaven's SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!' Love, Johnny.

At 6am, the next morning, a dozen security agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire plot without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Johnny.

Nobel Prize
Ken is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Williams standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Ken, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Williams, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?' asks Ken, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

Grandmother in the Ark?
My brother's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his Grandmother's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark.

The little boy asked, 'Grandma, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no' , said Grandma.'

In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?'

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the advanced programmer and decide to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type energetically, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. But right before the end of the struggle, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the power. Seconds later, the power is restored, and God states that the competition is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is obviously upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the electricity went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus progressed any better."

Jesus enters a last line of code, and the screen comes to life in colorful display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is shocked.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ software is undamaged. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Women vs Beer

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer! Next findings are just to help you analyze which is better ! Women, please, kindly take it in the right sense.

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not! 1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot! 1 point for women!

A cold beer, satisfies you! 1 point for beer!

10 beers in a night and then you cant drive. 10 women in one night and you dont have to drive anywhere! 1 point for women!

The older the beer is - the better, it is! 1 point for beer!

Many beers can make you see UFOs. Many women can make you see God! 1 point for women!

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic! 1 point for women!

For a beer, you pay taxes! 1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesnt get angry! 1 point for beer!

You can always be sure that, you are the first one opening a beer! 1 point for beer!

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself! 1 point for beer!

You know exactly how much a beer costs! 1 point for beer!

A beer does not have a mother! 1 point for beer!

You can do it if you want, but beer wont ask you to hug her for half an hour after! 1 point for beer!

So the Score is - Beer beats Women - 9 to 5!

And at last. If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, please, undertstand that a beer would never get angry! So, ... Another point for beer! Now the final score is … Beer beats women - 10 to 5!

Pet Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished clients. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's jaws and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his jaws for one minute. He will then open his jaws and I will remove my unit unhurt. In return for watching this show, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unhurt as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Grandma Short Funny Stories

Grandma Is Better
Little Johnny says to his mother "Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to take you?"
Little Johnny says, "No, let grandma... her hand shakes!"

Care for Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma could not talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, "You're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart".

Underwear
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

I can't read
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandma's word processor. She told Grandma she was writing a story. "What's it about?" Grandma asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

Writing to Grandma
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother, I am sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike

Test
I did not know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. However, it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Who was that?
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more wild, her patience grew thin. At last, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Grandma in Court

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you are a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you have not the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He is lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."