Husband and Wife Jokes

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.

Wife, "Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?"
Husband, "Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!"

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I would like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place "the prison" and call my private thing "the prisoner". Therefore, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
Then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, ok!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he would put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Two friends, who had not seen each other in several years, met on the avenue.
"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.
"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."

Wife, Honey ... What are you looking for?
Husband, Nothing.
Wife, Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...?
Husband, I was just looking for the expiry date.

Husband says, "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied, "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

First guy (proudly), "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Short Jokes Mixture

To all my friends who in 2009 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters or other best wishes, none of that stuff worked! For 2010, could you please just send money, beer, chocolate, movie tickets, and gasoline vouchers as an alternative? Thank you!

Two men were walking down the street when a robber approaches them and demands their money at knifepoint. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one man turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's the 20 I owe you," he says.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a movie about a guy, who lost consciousness and went into a coma. He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." His wife gets up immediately and unplugs the TV.

When woman was six months pregnant with her third child, her three year-old son came into the room as she was preparing to get into the shower. He said, "Mum, you are getting fat!" Mother replied, "Yes, sugar, remember mum has a baby growing in her belly." "I know," he replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Richard was dying. His spouse sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess". "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she responded, "now just relax and let the poison work".

A lady was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. A gentleman got in and elbowed her in the breast by accident. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the lady replies, "If you d--k is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 117.

A husband and wife are walking home from the pub when the wife decides she needs to pee and goes behind a bush. The husband feeling horny reaches thru and goes to have a feel. Instead of what he expects he touches something long and hard. Extremely surprised he asks: "Susan, did you have a sex change?" The wife replies: "No William, I changed my mind, I was having a sh1t!

TomCat

Flexibility


Proud


Don't_lie_to_me

Zombie Jokes

Right now, when the Woody Harrelson's 'Zombieland' finds that tricky balance of the laugh-out-loud funny and the make-you-jump scary, it is right time to recollect some old zombie jokes!

- How do you know a zombie is tired?
- He's dead on his feet.

- What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
- It's a dead-letter day.

- What's a zombie's favorite shampoo?
- Head and shoulders

- Where do zombies go for cruises?
- The Deaditerranean Sea.

- What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
- Dead ends...

- Two zombies and a Harman go into a bar. The first zombie says to the other zombie, "Graaaghaa haarann margahhaa naaarrrrrrgnn!"
- The other zombie says "Hrraaaaa Maggaa GRAMMA GRAMMA bargh nrrrrhr!"
- And then they eat the Harman.

- We all know what zombies like. They like braaaains. However, that's just in general. Zombies come from all walks of after-life.

- What do zombie laundresses worry about? Staaaaains.
- How do zombies get to work? Traaaaaains.
- What does the zombie doctor cure? Paaains.
- What do zombie poets write? Quatraaaains.
- And the zombie songwriter? Refraaains.

- What is a zombie's favorite movie? Shaaaaaaane.
Why are zombies always willing to be in movies? Faaaaame.

- What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaains.
- What do zombies order at Chinese restaurants? Chow Meeeeins.
- How do zombies practice birth control? Abstaaaain.
- What are these jokes? Inaaaaane.

- What is a zombie's favorite pet? Great Daaaaaanes.
- Why do zombies eat flesh? cuz they're insaaaaaane in the membraaaaaaane
- What state do zombies originate from? Maaaaiiiinne.
- What do zombie Teletubbies say? Agaaain, agaaain!

- What's a zombie's favorite weather? Raaaain.
- What kind of underwear and socks do zombies wear? Haaaanes.
- What did the zombie buy from the jewellery store? Gold chaaaains!
- What does a zombie do with leftover blood? Down the draaain.
- Where do zombies go for vacation? Spaaaain.

Funny Short Math Jokes

- Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

- Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
- She didn't know what ONE came first...

- Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is pi ?"
- The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7"
- The physicist said: "It is 3.14159"
- The mathematician thought a bit, and replied "It is equal to pi".
- A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"

- Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
- Pupil: 4
- Teacher: That's good.
- Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

- A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
- "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
- "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
- "You're under 18," replies the barman.


Football Math Test

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Funny Facts

- The original name of Bank of America was Bank of Italy.

- Turtles can breathe through their butts.

- Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.

- In Cleveland, Ohio it is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.

- Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

- Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

- McDonalds calls frequent buyers of their food heavy users.

- You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

- In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!

- There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!

- Pablo Picasso's Full Name Has 23 Words

A Man and His Dog

/* story seems to be not so funny or short ;), but inspiring */

A man and his dog were walking along a street. The man was get pleasure from walk, when it suddenly idea that he was dead comed to his mind. He recalled dying, and that his faithful dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. As he reached the wall, he saw a splendid gate in the arch, and the street that led to the gate made from pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water? We have traveled far," the man said.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The gate began to open.

"Can my friend, come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a second, remembering all the years this dog remained loyal to him and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going. After another long walk he came to a plain dirt road, which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water? We have traveled far."

"Yes, sure, there's a faucet over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and help yourself."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"There should be a bowl by the faucet; he is welcome to share."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned faucet with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. We're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind in exchange for material things."

District 9 Little Prawn Bound Toy

District 9, is a 2009 science fiction film directed by Neill Blomkamp, released on August 14, 2009 in North America by TriStar Pictures, starring Sharlto Copley, Jason Cope and Robert Hobbs. If you saw this movie you will like this picture - District 9 Little Prawn Bound Toy!

The Million Bucks Wish

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to a different guy and instantly notices the guy has a very huge Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that’s a enormous lighter…where did you get it?"
The guy replies, "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"
"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie come out. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"
"Done" says the genie and fades away.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door opens and pouring in some ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can’t believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

Man With No Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do many things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the edge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man did not have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms, felt ugly and useless, and was going to kill himself. He thanked him, again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing, whistling, and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway"?

He replied, "I'm not happy; my ass itches!"

Clever Salesman

A well-dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
'Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200?'

The man said, "Are you nuts? that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
'Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you at half price - $100?'

Yet again, the man replies frankly – 'You must be crazy pal, now go away!'

The salesman then reaches into his suitcase and take out two cakes and begins eat up on one of them. He tells the annoyed guy -
'Sir, please share one of my cakes since I have irritated you so much'.

Unwrapping the cake, the guy takes a bite; rapidly, the guy spits it out and says:
'Hey,' he snarled, 'this cake tastes like crap!'

'It is,' the salesman responded. 'Wanna buy some mouthwash?'

Jokes Galore

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days, who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"

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Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

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Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

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Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

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I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said,
"Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours ?"

I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."

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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other
and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play
with!"

Timbuktu Short Poems

In the USA there is a gameshow where you have to make up short poems containing a special word with in one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from NZ. They get the word "Timbouktou".

The rabby is first. He starts:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu....."

The audiance is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
We met three ladies cheap to rent,
they were three and we were two.
So, I booked one and Tim booked two..."

George W Bush and the Queen of England

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.


Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did so much research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Teachers and Students Jokes

A secondary school student asked his teacher if a person should be punished for something he hadn't done. "Of course not," said the teacher. "Good," said the boy. "I haven't done my homework."

Teacher: Give me a sentence beginning with 'I'.
Student: I is the...
Teacher: No. You must say "I am" not "I is."
Student: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher: What do you get if you multiply 8 by 7?
Student: The wrong answer.

Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"
Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

Teacher: What do you get if you multiply 8 by 7?
Student: 48.
Teacher: Wrong.
Student: But you asked me if I multiplied!

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Teacher: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and
stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
Student: Brotherly love.

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
Student: A teacher.

Funny Teddy Bear USB Gadgets

A Teddy bear, that have a USB 2.0 flash drive inside. hen you plug your Teddy Bear(that is also an USB) to your computer he looks very funny. The bear looks like he got his head stuck in the computer.



Below is a fun MP3 player for little gadget geeks, the USB Teddy Bear MP3 Player. This teddy bear MP3 player has the volume and MP3 controls built into its feet, it also has a built in voice recorder.

Short Funny Jokes

Telephone answering machine message: "Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

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The head teacher was taking her class round an art gallery. She stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at the guide, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the guide.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."

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Funny fact: A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.

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Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?
A: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

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Are you interested in making $$$$ fast?
Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!
TRY it now!
Follow this simple procedure:
- Open a new text or word document
- Hold down the shift key.
- Hit the 4 key four times.

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A boy called the doctor..
"Doctor, doctor come quick, my younger brother has just swallowed my pen."
"I'll be right over - what are you doing in the meantime?"
"I'm using a pencil..."

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer good, some are bad.

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An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.

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John: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Brian: Seen one? I married one!

Dating and Relationships Jokes

Night of passion

Shortly after a long night of passion, the young male rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Obviously, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired anxiously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the confused guy.

Peacefully, she replied, "That's me before the operation".

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Future Mother Inlaw

John excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. John says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, John brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."

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Be Sure to Carry Your Lantern

Pappy sees John walking with a lantern and asks, "Where are you going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"

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She must weep or she will die

Emma was on her deathbed, with her husband John at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"John," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, John, that I have been unfaithful to you."
John stroked her hand. "Now, Emma, don't be worried. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

Cadbury Eyebrows - must see!

The Risks of Having an un-American Name

Reporters conducting street interviews on the candidates for CNN (These are not jokes).

Reporter: What do you think of Barrack Obama?

Middle-aged man: I think we should be trying harder to capture him. What are we doing in Iraq when Obama is still out there, still a threat to America?

Reporter: No, I mean Barrack Obama from Chicago. What do you think of him?

Middle-aged man: How did he get into the country? Don't tell me he came through Mexico! We really need to tighten our borders.

Reporter: What do you think of Barrack Hussein Obama?

30-something man: He got what was coming to him, that is all I can say. He committed crimes against humanity and got what he deserved. I do not feel sorry for him at all.

Reporter: May I ask whom you plan to vote for in 2008?

20-year-old man: I really like that guy, what is his name, Obrack Barama.

Reporter: What about you sir? Who gets your vote in 2008?

19-year-old man: Your mama.

Reporter: Pardon me?

19-year-old man: Broke Your Mama. That is whom I am voting for. Broke Your Mama.

Reporter: Oh I see. And what about you miss?

21-year-old woman: Me? I am voting for..uh..Baroque Alabama.

Funny Dogs and Cats Pictures

Old Hat - Miser's Final Wish

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."