Poker Is Not A Popular Game Among Cameleons

Easy Marketing for Beggars

If you ever will become a beggar (God forbid!) you need to know how to get more money from people. First, people tend to react much better to funny begging than to "awful" one. Write you begging very clearly to be understandable by everyone. If you are going to be sad people will ignore you. Try to be funny and some people will reward you for your smile. This rule is actual even if you are not a beggar :).

Below are some examples of successful beggars:

Jokes About Wives

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

Wife stands infront of her mirror and said to her husband: "I am fat, old and no longer pretty. I am wrinkled and my breasts hang... Give me a compliment" when he replied: "Your eyesight is still excellent though!"

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Once you’ve married, be strict but just with your wife, don’t allow her to forget herself, and when a misunderstanding arises, say: "Don’t forget that I made you happy."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes.

A wife was helping her husband to set-up his Computer. The husband was in a cheeky mood so when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it obvious to his wife that he was typing in the word "penis" as password. His wife fell over from laughter when the computer replied: "Password rejected - not long enough".

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Husbands For Sale

A store that sells husbands, where a woman may go to choose a husband, has just opened. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Lightbulb

Working on the mental ward can become a little hectic - but this doctor knows how to take everything as it comes. During his usual morning rounds he stopped by the two top patients that act the strangest.

He found Patient his first patient sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Next to him was his friend who was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked the first patient what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor than asked why his friend was hanging upside down. The patient replied, "Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices that his friend’s face is going all red.

The doctor asks than asks the patient, "If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."

To which he replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Jokes About Animals

A man walked into a pet shop and said,
- "I'd like a puppy for my son."
- "Sorry sir," said the store owner, "we don't do part exchange."

A vampire bat comes back to his fellow vampires with a blood on his mouth. They ask him where he got the blood. He asks them,
- "Did you see that tree back there?"
- "Sure," they reply.
- "Well I didn't!"

- My dog is a nuisance. He chases everyone on a bicycle. What can I do?
- Take his bike away.

Advert in a newspaper: Big dog for sale, eats anything - fond of children.

A frog telephoned the Psychic Hot line and was told,
- "You are going to meet a beautiful, young woman who will want to know everything about you."
The frog said,
- "That's great! Will I meet her at a party?"
- "No," said the psychic. "Next term - in her biology class."

The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.

However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure again, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again.

Well, these two men decided that they just had to try this, so they jumped out the window, and splat! - made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says, "Superman, you can be a real -x-x-x- when you're drunk!"

Smart Student's Question

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A "smart" student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Funny Stories about Car Drivers and Driving

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and very fast.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said,
- What will you take: 30 days or $30?
The man thought and replied,
- I think I'll take the money.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
- "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.
- Well, replies the woman, "I have contacts."
- Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.

- What do you do if you see a spaceman?
- Park your car in it man.

Magistrate,
- But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?
Motorist,
- I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.

Motorist,
- But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.
Policeman,
- Well, now you've got something else to tell him.

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
- "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
- "Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
- "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
- "No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
- "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."

A blonde is driving down the freeway in her car when her boyfriend calls on the cell phone. When she picks up the phone he says,
- Hi honey, it's me, I just wanted to call and tell you to be careful, it says on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.
She says,
- There's not one, there's hundreds of them!

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said,
- I did that by accident.
She replied,
- I know that, daddy.
He replied,
- How'd you know?
The girl said,
- Because you didn't say 'A$$HOLE!' afterwards!

A Kiss for a Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''


The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"