Age Difference

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a gorgeous much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girl. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $7,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $35,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body twinkled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller furiously phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my great weekend!'

Perfect Desert Camping

Four guys spend weeks planning the ideal desert camping and riding trip. Three days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and informs him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Three days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and meal cooking on the fire.

"God damn man, how long you been here and how did you get round your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I removed her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our sleeping room. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she tell me, that "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Only an Earring

A guy is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This guy knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The guy walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."

"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies modestly.

So, the guy falls silent for a moment, but then his curiosity urge him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Damn Short Jokes

One cow says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other cow says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

Be strong honey

A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife answers: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"