Husband and Wife Jokes

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.

Wife, "Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?"
Husband, "Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!"

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I would like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place "the prison" and call my private thing "the prisoner". Therefore, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
Then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, ok!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he would put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Two friends, who had not seen each other in several years, met on the avenue.
"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.
"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."

Wife, Honey ... What are you looking for?
Husband, Nothing.
Wife, Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...?
Husband, I was just looking for the expiry date.

Husband says, "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied, "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

First guy (proudly), "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Short Jokes Mixture

To all my friends who in 2009 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters or other best wishes, none of that stuff worked! For 2010, could you please just send money, beer, chocolate, movie tickets, and gasoline vouchers as an alternative? Thank you!

Two men were walking down the street when a robber approaches them and demands their money at knifepoint. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one man turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's the 20 I owe you," he says.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a movie about a guy, who lost consciousness and went into a coma. He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." His wife gets up immediately and unplugs the TV.

When woman was six months pregnant with her third child, her three year-old son came into the room as she was preparing to get into the shower. He said, "Mum, you are getting fat!" Mother replied, "Yes, sugar, remember mum has a baby growing in her belly." "I know," he replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Richard was dying. His spouse sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess". "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she responded, "now just relax and let the poison work".

A lady was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. A gentleman got in and elbowed her in the breast by accident. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the lady replies, "If you d--k is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 117.

A husband and wife are walking home from the pub when the wife decides she needs to pee and goes behind a bush. The husband feeling horny reaches thru and goes to have a feel. Instead of what he expects he touches something long and hard. Extremely surprised he asks: "Susan, did you have a sex change?" The wife replies: "No William, I changed my mind, I was having a sh1t!

TomCat

Flexibility


Proud


Don't_lie_to_me

Zombie Jokes

Right now, when the Woody Harrelson's 'Zombieland' finds that tricky balance of the laugh-out-loud funny and the make-you-jump scary, it is right time to recollect some old zombie jokes!

- How do you know a zombie is tired?
- He's dead on his feet.

- What's a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
- It's a dead-letter day.

- What's a zombie's favorite shampoo?
- Head and shoulders

- Where do zombies go for cruises?
- The Deaditerranean Sea.

- What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
- Dead ends...

- Two zombies and a Harman go into a bar. The first zombie says to the other zombie, "Graaaghaa haarann margahhaa naaarrrrrrgnn!"
- The other zombie says "Hrraaaaa Maggaa GRAMMA GRAMMA bargh nrrrrhr!"
- And then they eat the Harman.

- We all know what zombies like. They like braaaains. However, that's just in general. Zombies come from all walks of after-life.

- What do zombie laundresses worry about? Staaaaains.
- How do zombies get to work? Traaaaaains.
- What does the zombie doctor cure? Paaains.
- What do zombie poets write? Quatraaaains.
- And the zombie songwriter? Refraaains.

- What is a zombie's favorite movie? Shaaaaaaane.
Why are zombies always willing to be in movies? Faaaaame.

- What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaains.
- What do zombies order at Chinese restaurants? Chow Meeeeins.
- How do zombies practice birth control? Abstaaaain.
- What are these jokes? Inaaaaane.

- What is a zombie's favorite pet? Great Daaaaaanes.
- Why do zombies eat flesh? cuz they're insaaaaaane in the membraaaaaaane
- What state do zombies originate from? Maaaaiiiinne.
- What do zombie Teletubbies say? Agaaain, agaaain!

- What's a zombie's favorite weather? Raaaain.
- What kind of underwear and socks do zombies wear? Haaaanes.
- What did the zombie buy from the jewellery store? Gold chaaaains!
- What does a zombie do with leftover blood? Down the draaain.
- Where do zombies go for vacation? Spaaaain.

Funny Short Math Jokes

- Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated.

- Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
- She didn't know what ONE came first...

- Several scientists were all posed the following question: "What is pi ?"
- The engineer said: "It is approximately 3 and 1/7"
- The physicist said: "It is 3.14159"
- The mathematician thought a bit, and replied "It is equal to pi".
- A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"

- Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
- Pupil: 4
- Teacher: That's good.
- Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

- A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
- "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman.
- "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
- "You're under 18," replies the barman.


Football Math Test

A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?"

"Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"