Old Man Sample

An 80 year old man was requested by his physician for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the old man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 80 year old man come back and gave doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as yesterday.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man stated "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The physician was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Age Difference

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a gorgeous much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girl. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $7,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $35,000 the jeweller said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body twinkled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweller furiously phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my great weekend!'

Perfect Desert Camping

Four guys spend weeks planning the ideal desert camping and riding trip. Three days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and informs him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Three days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and meal cooking on the fire.

"God damn man, how long you been here and how did you get round your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I removed her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our sleeping room. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she tell me, that "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.

Only an Earring

A guy is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. This guy knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The guy walks up to him and says, "I didn’t know you were into earrings."

"Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring," he replies modestly.

So, the guy falls silent for a moment, but then his curiosity urge him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Damn Short Jokes

One cow says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other cow says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.