New Year Jokes and Funny Stories

Dreams, dreams...

Emily was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve. After she woke up, she confided to Joseph, her husband,

- 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

- 'You'll know tonight,' answered Joseph smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Joseph approached Emily and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled:

- 'The meaning of dreams'.

IT New Year Greetings

May the New Year give you –

- Independence of Java
- Power of Unix
- Popularity of Windows
- Efficiency of C
- Simplicity of HTML
- Style of Mac
- Compactness of JPG
- Speed of NFS
- Goodness of all Software that comes for free...

Funny New Year’s resolutions

"It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets." - William Thomas

"May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!" - Joey Adams

"New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." - James Agate

"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." - Bill Vaughn

Attitude toward whisky

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

How to Quit Smoking

Brandon, at a New Year's party, turns to his friend, Justin, and asks for a cigarette.

'I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking,' Justin responds.
'I'm in the process of quitting,' replies Brandon with a grin. 'Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.'

'Phase one?' wonders Justin.

'Yeah,' laughs Brandon, 'I've quit buying.'

Funny Domain Names

All of these are companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear - and be misread...

- Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is
www.whorepresents.com/

- Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange Advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com/

- Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net/

- Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com/

- There's the Italian Power Generator company,
www.powergenitalia.com/

- And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales,
www.molestationnursery.com/

- If you're looking for IP computer software, there?s always
www.ipanywhere.com/

- The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is
www.cummingfirst.com/

- And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site,
www.speedofart.com/

Short Funny Stories

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible,
I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
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Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card.
"Son: "My friend just borrowed it.
He wants to scare his parents."
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A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
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Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?
"Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the Warning.
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Man to wife on wedding night: Are you sure I'm the first man you are sleeping with?
Wife replied: Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!
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A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humour.
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Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I have advised?
Lady replied: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

The Elevator Story, Not a Word of Which is True

On a weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She was ready to take a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big, very big. . . an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.

She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind-but God, they had to know what she was thinking! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another.

Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up.

Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average-sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." Hespoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan.

Urban Legends: The Elevator Story

According to a very popular story circulating in the early '80s, a group of white, female tourists visiting New York City were joined in an elevator by a black man with a large dog in tow. As the elevator doors closed, the man firmly commanded his dog to "Sit," at which point the timorous ladies – assuming they were being mugged – sat.

As the story goes, the man apologized profusely even though he had done nothing wrong and explained that the order was meant for the dog. Embarrassed, the women brushed themselves off and explained they were from out of town. One of them asked nervously if the man could suggest a good restaurant nearby. He did so, then departed.

Later, after dining at the restaurant, the women were presented with a check marked "Paid in full." The waiter told them their meal had been paid for by baseball star Reggie Jackson – the man they had met on the elevator.

Quite an amusing story, not a word of which is true.

How do we know? Because, among other reasons, precisely the same story has been told over the years with Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, O.J. Simpson, Charlie Pride, and other black celebrities in the role of the gracious gentleman mistaken for a mugger.

False or not, the elevator story is still with us today, circulating in both oral and electronic form, though a few important details have morphed since the '80s – Eddie Murphy is the current celebrity guest (sometimes accompanied by basketball star Michael Jordan); the number of fearful tourists has dwindled to one; and, most interesting of all, somebody figured out how to make the story work without a dog.

Blonde Golfer

A Young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

The golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee."

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

The golf pro nodded knowingly and said, "I was going to tell you, your stance is too wide."

Four short funny commercials

Four short funny outrageous commercials from outside of the US...

Sexy pure woman

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

Camel Toe Cup

Description on packaging:
Camel Toe Annie says: If there is someone you want to get to know, show ‘em the Toe!! Easily and securely attaches to the included “Toe-Belt”

Features:
Not tested on camels
Molded of durable Teflon
Camel Toe Annie approved
Each CTC is numbered and registered at our central office, in case you leave it after a night of whorin’ or it is found in a dumpster

Deep Groove™ channel accommodates all materials (denim, cotton, silk, burlap)
Dishwasher and microwave safe

Available in 3 gauges:
Call for sizing chart*
Mild
Medium
Cougar**

Testimonials:
“The deep groove locks it in place, no more embarrassing shifting.”—Mary Clam, age 22

“I wanted to impress this guy at the bar, so I opened a beer with my cup, we’ve been going out for three days, he drives a Camaro, I’m in heaven!”—Bobbi-Marie Mudflap, age 52

“When I am not wearing it, I use as a recipe card holder, I am always finding new uses for it!”—Rhonda Sluichuck, age 45

*Look for Jr. Model coming soon!!
**Cougar model includes built-in bottle opener

F word experience

A restaurant owner has apologised after diners had their very own F word experience.

Ten friends found the abusive and sexually-explicit message on their bill at Joe Delucci's Italian restaurant in Bird Street, Lichfield, Staffordshire.

Diner Clare Watkin said she thought it was written after they complained about poor service.

The party from Walsall had gone to the restaurant on Friday. Owner Nigel Langsdon has begun an investigation.

Ms Watkin said: "I couldn't believe it. The bill read 'fish cakes', which one of us had for a starter, and it was written right above it - absolutely disgusting language.

"We actually booked the table for 8 o' clock in the evening, by the time they had taken our order it was quarter to nine and we didn't actually receive our food until quarter past 10."

She added: "I'd like a written apology from the restaurant and I'd also like some compensation.

"I think that the way that we've been spoken to is absolutely outrageous."

TV chef Gordon Ramsay's foul-mouthed diatribes on his Channel 4 show The F Word have given viewers an insight into the type of language often used in the restaurant kitchen.

Joe Delucci's owner Mr Langsdon said the message had been meant to be seen only by kitchen staff and he did not know how it ended up as an item on the receipt.

He said: "That shouldn't come out on the bill, so we've got to find out what's gone wrong there.

"But we have apologised unreservedly to the girls concerned and said that they're very welcome to come back and have a free meal and we'd like them to."

He has also offered to donate the bill for their meal to charity.

The cost of the meal came to £284.68, including a 10% service charge.

Even Moose Is Able to Use Statue

And this statue looks like a really good listener to the man!



Maybe this man is not drunk; he just wanted to talk to someone who could listen better than his wife.

Morning Wood

This little shop is located along a little street full of furniture stores in Uijeongbu, Korea, near Seoul.

A Very Attractive Young Woman

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman, and was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same...

" Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help, and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

Empty and Full Flash

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!