Be strong honey

A man escapes from jail where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife answers: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Surgeon Jokes

I'm sick of specialists. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, any place you've got a hole, there's a guy who dedicate yourself to this hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, gynecologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

Surgeon goes to hell. Devil says, "You have a choice between these 2 doors, I'll let you have a look in each to see where you want to spend the rest of eternity."
Surgeon opens the first door: room with twenty patients all complaining at the same time! "Whoa, no way! Not this one."
Surgeon opens second door: Medical records, endless hallway of papers to sign." No way! "
Surgeon notices a third door and opens it: A Surgeon's lounge. Big screen, full of beers. Recliners, with a nurse giving each Surgeon oral sex! "This is the door I chose for eternity" states the surgeon.
"Nope, one of the first 2 doors." says the devil.
"No! Why?"
"Cause the 3rd door is NURSE"S HELL!!!"

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?
God doesn't think he's surgeon.

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his coworkers asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ...
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered". "I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered". The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded". The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable."

I got the bill for my surgery.
Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.

Funny Story of a Lost Elder

When I have lunch today, I saw an old gentleman sitting on a park bench cry his heart out. I stopped and asked him what was the problem.

He said, 'I have a 22 year old spouse at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I inquired, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my preferred biscuits, washes the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'

I supposed, 'Well, why are you crying?'

He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'

I asked, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'

He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful companion awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and inform me what you see." Watson responded, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of worlds. Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I assume that the time is around a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I think that we will have a fine day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a while, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

A Mixture of Funny Short Stories

Johnny and his Dad
An old man lived alone in Milford. He intended to dig his potato garden, but it was very difficult work. His only son, Johnny, who used to help him, was in jail. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his difficulty.

Dear Johnny, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden area. If you were here, all my problems would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, 'For Heaven's SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!' Love, Johnny.

At 6am, the next morning, a dozen security agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire plot without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Johnny.

Nobel Prize
Ken is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Williams standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Ken, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Williams, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?' asks Ken, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

Grandmother in the Ark?
My brother's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his Grandmother's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark.

The little boy asked, 'Grandma, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no' , said Grandma.'

In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?'