Pet Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished clients. "I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's jaws and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his jaws for one minute. He will then open his jaws and I will remove my unit unhurt. In return for watching this show, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unhurt as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Grandma Short Funny Stories

Grandma Is Better
Little Johnny says to his mother "Mommy, I have to go and tinkle."
The mother replies back "Would you like Mommy to take you?"
Little Johnny says, "No, let grandma... her hand shakes!"

Care for Grandma
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn in her wheel chair where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma could not talk very well but she could write notes fairly well when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right and some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later she started leaning off to her left and again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward and the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma, "You're looking good, how are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart".

Underwear
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."

I can't read
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandma's word processor. She told Grandma she was writing a story. "What's it about?" Grandma asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

Writing to Grandma
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother, I am sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike

Test
I did not know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. However, it was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

Who was that?
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more wild, her patience grew thin. At last, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

Grandma in Court

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you are a big disappointment to me.

You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you have not the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.

Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He is lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Husband and Wife Jokes

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.

Wife, "Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?"
Husband, "Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!"

God says to Adam, "What would you like in a wife?"
"Hmmm," says Adam, "I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I would like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me."
"Hmmmm", God says, "I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
"Oh," says Adam, "Well what can I get for a rib?"

Bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place "the prison" and call my private thing "the prisoner". Therefore, what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
Then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, ok!

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he would put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

Two friends, who had not seen each other in several years, met on the avenue.
"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.
"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."

Wife, Honey ... What are you looking for?
Husband, Nothing.
Wife, Nothing...? You have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour...?
Husband, I was just looking for the expiry date.

Husband says, "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied, "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

First guy (proudly), "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Short Jokes Mixture

To all my friends who in 2009 sent me best wishes, chain letters, angel letters or other best wishes, none of that stuff worked! For 2010, could you please just send money, beer, chocolate, movie tickets, and gasoline vouchers as an alternative? Thank you!

Two men were walking down the street when a robber approaches them and demands their money at knifepoint. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, one man turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here's the 20 I owe you," he says.

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a movie about a guy, who lost consciousness and went into a coma. He says to her "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug." His wife gets up immediately and unplugs the TV.

When woman was six months pregnant with her third child, her three year-old son came into the room as she was preparing to get into the shower. He said, "Mum, you are getting fat!" Mother replied, "Yes, sugar, remember mum has a baby growing in her belly." "I know," he replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

Richard was dying. His spouse sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess". "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she responded, "now just relax and let the poison work".

A lady was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. A gentleman got in and elbowed her in the breast by accident. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the lady replies, "If you d--k is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 117.

A husband and wife are walking home from the pub when the wife decides she needs to pee and goes behind a bush. The husband feeling horny reaches thru and goes to have a feel. Instead of what he expects he touches something long and hard. Extremely surprised he asks: "Susan, did you have a sex change?" The wife replies: "No William, I changed my mind, I was having a sh1t!