Man With No Arms

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do many things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the edge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man did not have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms, felt ugly and useless, and was going to kill himself. He thanked him, again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing, whistling, and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway"?

He replied, "I'm not happy; my ass itches!"

Clever Salesman

A well-dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
'Sir, would you like to buy a bottle of this mouthwash for $200?'

The man said, "Are you nuts? that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
'Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you at half price - $100?'

Yet again, the man replies frankly – 'You must be crazy pal, now go away!'

The salesman then reaches into his suitcase and take out two cakes and begins eat up on one of them. He tells the annoyed guy -
'Sir, please share one of my cakes since I have irritated you so much'.

Unwrapping the cake, the guy takes a bite; rapidly, the guy spits it out and says:
'Hey,' he snarled, 'this cake tastes like crap!'

'It is,' the salesman responded. 'Wanna buy some mouthwash?'

Jokes Galore

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days, who are excellent "housekeepers". Seems each time they get a divorce, they keep the house.

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A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!"

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Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

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Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

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Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

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I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said,
"Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours ?"

I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all."

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Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other
and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play
with!"

Timbuktu Short Poems

In the USA there is a gameshow where you have to make up short poems containing a special word with in one minute. In the final show there are only two people left: A rabby from New York and a farmer from NZ. They get the word "Timbouktou".

The rabby is first. He starts:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu....."

The audiance is fascinated. Nobody belives that the farmer could top this. Now he starts:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
We met three ladies cheap to rent,
they were three and we were two.
So, I booked one and Tim booked two..."

George W Bush and the Queen of England

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.


Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. "Say, I did so much research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"