Funny Story of a Lost Elder

When I have lunch today, I saw an old gentleman sitting on a park bench cry his heart out. I stopped and asked him what was the problem.

He said, 'I have a 22 year old spouse at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I inquired, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my preferred biscuits, washes the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.'

I supposed, 'Well, why are you crying?'

He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.'

I asked, 'Well then, why in the world would you be crying?'

He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'

Sherlock Holmes and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful companion awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and inform me what you see." Watson responded, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of worlds. Astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I assume that the time is around a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I think that we will have a fine day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a while, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

A Mixture of Funny Short Stories

Johnny and his Dad
An old man lived alone in Milford. He intended to dig his potato garden, but it was very difficult work. His only son, Johnny, who used to help him, was in jail. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his difficulty.

Dear Johnny, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden area. If you were here, all my problems would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, 'For Heaven's SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!' Love, Johnny.

At 6am, the next morning, a dozen security agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire plot without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Johnny.

Nobel Prize
Ken is walking down a country road when he spots Farmer Williams standing in the middle of a huge field of corn doing absolutely nothing. Ken, curious to find out what's happening, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, 'Excuse me Farmer Williams, could you tell me what you are you doing?'

'I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize, 'the farmer replies.

'A Nobel Prize?' asks Ken, puzzled. 'How?'

'Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.'

Grandmother in the Ark?
My brother's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his Grandmother's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark.

The little boy asked, 'Grandma, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?' Gosh no' , said Grandma.'

In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?'

Jesus Saves

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the advanced programmer and decide to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type energetically, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. But right before the end of the struggle, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the power. Seconds later, the power is restored, and God states that the competition is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is obviously upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the electricity went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus progressed any better."

Jesus enters a last line of code, and the screen comes to life in colorful display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is shocked.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ software is undamaged. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

Women vs Beer

Most men like women. But, most men like beer too ! So, for men it becomes a rather confusing choice between women and beer! Next findings are just to help you analyze which is better ! Women, please, kindly take it in the right sense.

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not! 1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot! 1 point for women!

A cold beer, satisfies you! 1 point for beer!

10 beers in a night and then you cant drive. 10 women in one night and you dont have to drive anywhere! 1 point for women!

The older the beer is - the better, it is! 1 point for beer!

Many beers can make you see UFOs. Many women can make you see God! 1 point for women!

If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you are normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you are an alcoholic! 1 point for women!

For a beer, you pay taxes! 1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesnt get angry! 1 point for beer!

You can always be sure that, you are the first one opening a beer! 1 point for beer!

If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself! 1 point for beer!

You know exactly how much a beer costs! 1 point for beer!

A beer does not have a mother! 1 point for beer!

You can do it if you want, but beer wont ask you to hug her for half an hour after! 1 point for beer!

So the Score is - Beer beats Women - 9 to 5!

And at last. If you are a woman reading this and getting angry, please, undertstand that a beer would never get angry! So, ... Another point for beer! Now the final score is … Beer beats women - 10 to 5!