The Bar Story

This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.

However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure again, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again.

Well, these two men decided that they just had to try this, so they jumped out the window, and splat! - made a mess hitting all over the ground. Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says, "Superman, you can be a real -x-x-x- when you're drunk!"

Smart Student's Question

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A "smart" student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

Funny Stories about Car Drivers and Driving

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and very fast.

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said,
- What will you take: 30 days or $30?
The man thought and replied,
- I think I'll take the money.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said
she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench.
- "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through
a red light' five hundred times."

A traffic policeman stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
- Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.
- Well, replies the woman, "I have contacts."
- Lady, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.

- What do you do if you see a spaceman?
- Park your car in it man.

Magistrate,
- But if you saw the lady driving towards you, why didn't you give her half the road?
Motorist,
- I was going to, Your Honour, as soon as I could find out which half she wanted.

Motorist,
- But, officer, I was speeding because I'm late for an appointment with my lawyer.
Policeman,
- Well, now you've got something else to tell him.

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
- "I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
- "Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
- "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
- "No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
- "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."

A blonde is driving down the freeway in her car when her boyfriend calls on the cell phone. When she picks up the phone he says,
- Hi honey, it's me, I just wanted to call and tell you to be careful, it says on the news that there is a car driving the wrong way on the freeway.
She says,
- There's not one, there's hundreds of them!

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said,
- I did that by accident.
She replied,
- I know that, daddy.
He replied,
- How'd you know?
The girl said,
- Because you didn't say 'A$$HOLE!' afterwards!

A Kiss for a Yard

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''


The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"