Short Funny Jokes

Telephone answering machine message: "Hi. I'm probably here, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

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The head teacher was taking her class round an art gallery. She stopped in front of one exhibit, and sneered at the guide, "I suppose that is some kind of modern art?" "No, madam," replied the guide.
"I'm afraid it's a mirror."

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Funny fact: A party boat filled with 60 men and women capsized in Texas after all the passengers rushed to one side as the boat passed a nude beach.

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Q: If a blonde and a brunette fell out of an airplane, who would land first?
A: The brunette. The blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

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A boy called the doctor..
"Doctor, doctor come quick, my younger brother has just swallowed my pen."
"I'll be right over - what are you doing in the meantime?"
"I'm using a pencil..."

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Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Summer.
Summer who?
Summer good, some are bad.

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An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to buy a life insurance policy. "Just imagine if your husband was to die tomorrow," he said. "What would you get?"
"Oh, a Labrador dog, I think," replied the housewife. "They're so well-behaved.

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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.

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John: Have you ever seen one of those machines that can tell when someone is telling a lie?
Brian: Seen one? I married one!

Dating and Relationships Jokes

Night of passion

Shortly after a long night of passion, the young male rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Obviously, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired anxiously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the confused guy.

Peacefully, she replied, "That's me before the operation".

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Future Mother Inlaw

John excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. John says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, John brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."

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Be Sure to Carry Your Lantern

Pappy sees John walking with a lantern and asks, "Where are you going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got!"

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She must weep or she will die

Emma was on her deathbed, with her husband John at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.
"John," she said.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.
"John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must
confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping John. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, John, that I have been unfaithful to you."
John stroked her hand. "Now, Emma, don't be worried. I know all about it", he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"

Cadbury Eyebrows - must see!

The Risks of Having an un-American Name

Reporters conducting street interviews on the candidates for CNN (These are not jokes).

Reporter: What do you think of Barrack Obama?

Middle-aged man: I think we should be trying harder to capture him. What are we doing in Iraq when Obama is still out there, still a threat to America?

Reporter: No, I mean Barrack Obama from Chicago. What do you think of him?

Middle-aged man: How did he get into the country? Don't tell me he came through Mexico! We really need to tighten our borders.

Reporter: What do you think of Barrack Hussein Obama?

30-something man: He got what was coming to him, that is all I can say. He committed crimes against humanity and got what he deserved. I do not feel sorry for him at all.

Reporter: May I ask whom you plan to vote for in 2008?

20-year-old man: I really like that guy, what is his name, Obrack Barama.

Reporter: What about you sir? Who gets your vote in 2008?

19-year-old man: Your mama.

Reporter: Pardon me?

19-year-old man: Broke Your Mama. That is whom I am voting for. Broke Your Mama.

Reporter: Oh I see. And what about you miss?

21-year-old woman: Me? I am voting for..uh..Baroque Alabama.